Who Should Pay on the First Few Dates?

The other day I was on a call with a client who was describing how the guy she was seeing asked if they could just be friends. 

Her belief is that she got awkward at some point on the date. Her vibe changed, and his followed. This, she says, is her pattern. 

So we dove into the last time she saw him to uncover what triggered her to make her “leave the date and slip into her mind.” 

Unexpectedly, it was the moment he went to pay for show tickets. 

Something about the moment where the bill arrives puts pressure on her. Is she supposed to offer? Should it be his pleasure to pay? Will he feel used or appreciated? What are the rules goddammit?!  

They are none. 

I’ve polled men and the reviews were very, very mixed. Some expect the woman to offer. Some expect them to let them pay. And some don’t know what the heck they’re supposed to do. 

So where does that leave us?  

It brings us back to the only thing we can ever “control” - our intentions. 

I explained to my client that she won’t appease everyone and that it’s not her job to try. 

What she could do instead is clarify her intentions around paying for bills on dates, and act accordingly. 

This will weed out the ones who aren’t a match and draw in closer the ones who are. 

After some exploration, we uncovered that her intention is to have a fluid harmony of giving and receiving that doesn’t feel like balancing the checks. She wants to feel appreciated and intends to make whoever she’s spending time with feel the same. 

Practically, this looks like allowing him to take the first bill and accept it with grace and appreciation. That’s the beginning of the give and take cycle. She reciprocates with home-cooked dinners, paying for dinners and whatever else feels genuine.  

She feels totally comfortable with this, which means she’ll be a match for men who do as well. 

That’s the thing about attraction. The more you stick your flag in the ground, claim your place and who you are, the easier it is for the men who want to be with someone like you, to find you. 

So I ask you, what are you ready to start claiming with more confidence? 

With love,

Diana