Debunking the Idea That You Have to Love Yourself Before Someone Else Can Love You
If you're waiting to start dating again until you "finally love yourself" you may be waiting a very long time.
I get why you might think that, too. I mean, loving yourself IS an important, if not crucial part to your healthy romantic relationships.
But I want to debunk this idea once and for all that you have to love yourself before someone else can love you.
And I can start with one word: family.
I can confidently say that there’s someone right now in your immediate or extended family that loves you, if not loves you unconditionally, despite the fact that you might not be loving on yourself so much right now.
That being said, your lack of self-love may present challenges in this relationship, despite how much love they’ve got for you.
All that to say, you do not need to wait to date until you “love yourself.” Ok?
Self-love is not an end destination, a place you reach where you can throw up your hands and say, “I’ve finally done it. I finally love myself!”
Ya, sorry to break it to you.
It’s a journey. Sometimes you’ll love yourself more, sometimes less. And yes, your relationships, especially your romantic ones will likely be impacted by how you are (or aren’t) being loving towards yourself.
So instead of waiting to love yourself before someone else can love you, do this instead ...
Commit to loving yourself as completely and consistently as you can. That, in and of itself, is very self-loving. Not sure how to do this? Here are some awesome suggestions:
Choose kinder thoughts about yourself more often than not
Let your “mistakes” go more easily
Trust in yourself and your decisions
Focus on what you love more than what you’d love to change
Encourage yourself the way you would a friend
Show up the way you would if you made an appointment with someone
Say positive things to and about yourself
Highlight your strengths rather than point out your so-called weaknesses
Take time out for rest and relaxation
Listen to your body
Say no when you feel like you “should” say yes
Respect your boundaries
Do things for the sake of adding more joy
Dedicate time to your mind, body and spirit
Ask yourself, “what do I need right now?” and then do that
And when all else fails, ask yourself, “what would someone who loves themselves do?”. Or even better, “what would I tell someone I love?”. Then act from that place.
You’ll be amazed at how loving yourself as completely and consistently as you can will impact your love life. It really is the key to your dating life, and here’s why:
One: self-love sets your standards.When should I call? What should I say? Do I sound desperate?
When you love yourself, when you are genuinely nice to yourself with your words, thoughts and actions, you won’t have these doubts nearly as often. You’ll naturally strike the balance of showing your interest, without chasing someone.Why?Because you’ve filled your own cup with your own love and you’re not thirsty for anyone else’s attention. You’ll show your interest from a genuine place without implying you need that person to validate you.
Two: relationships act as mirrors and the Universe aligns us with people who reflect back to us our internal discord or harmony.
If there are areas we need to heal or haven’t yet addressed, we will meet people who magnify these areas and force us to deal with them straight on.
For example, if you don’t tend to trust the people you date, the mirror is showing you that trust is an issue within yourself. The area that needs your loving attention is self-trust.
Three: the way you see and treat yourself determines how others treat you.
And the very things you’re looking for externally: someone to make you feel beautiful, to have fun with or to love – are the very things you need to give yourself. The way you love yourself shows people how you expect to be loved.
Four: you have love to share.
When you can regularly tap into the love you have for yourself, you then have love to share with someone else. Rather than hanging onto someone for dear life to give you what you so desperately crave (validation), you come already full with what you need and ready to share. You won’t under any circumstance accept the crumbs someone may try to offer you.
Five: bringing it back to the mirror.
Your relationship will reflect the way you love, respect and care for yourself. This doesn’t mean the moment you say something mean about yourself, your relationship will crumble, it simply means dating and relationships are easier when you can more consistently be in that self-loving place.