Focus on Your Values Rather Than Your Dating Rules

Focus on Your Values Rather Than Your Dating Rules

The other day I spoke with a woman in her 60s who’s been a widow for 6 years and is wanting to get back out in the dating world.

…and she’s feeling highly discouraged by the way it’s starting off.

The conversation started like this:

Men expect women to approach them these days – I’m not going to do that.

I see people moving in together after 6 months of dating – that will never be me.

Instead of going on dates, I see men and women take weekend getaways together to get to know each other (if you know what I mean) – and that’s so not me.

As you can likely hear, she’s got a lot of “rules” that are keeping her feeling very hopeless about the possibility of meeting a quality man who wants a serious relationship.

She’s highly focused on what she doesn’t want and won’t she won’t do, rather than on what she desires and looks forward to experiencing.

…and of course, I get it. It’s a totally new world for her after 25 years out of the game.

So we did some course correcting, and within the first 15 minutes of working together, a feeling of hopefulness came washing over her.

What I suggested is that instead of focusing on rules and timelines and who should approach who, we would be better served focusing on her values.

Here’s what we discovered:

*Her “rule” around the man being the one to ask her out translates to a core value of feeling appreciated. That opens up a whole bunch of doors for her because instead of staying fixated on who makes the first move, she can pay more attention to how appreciated she feels.

*She could let go of timelines around what’s too little or too much time before moving in together and focus instead on the value of building a strong foundation in her new relationship.

*She doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t feel ready to do – like take trips or sleep with someone. Her value here is trusting her intuition and what her body is telling her.

This shift away from rules and towards her values allowed her to let out a huge sigh of relief, to relax and to claim her readiness for dating.

Within minutes, she was no longer afraid. She embodied the courage to open her heart, knowing she could trust herself to navigate this unfamiliar world if she simply stays true to her values.

So heartwarming.

So inspiring.

So damn important.

What rules are you holding onto that are getting in the way of enjoying your love life? And what values can you turn those into stead?

Let me know!

Peace & love,

Diana X

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