How to Love Someone Whose Go-To Emotion is Anger
This question posed to me online stopped me in my tracks.
How do you love someone who’s go-to emotion is anger?
This brings to mind a few key mentions:
Anger is not widely accepted as an emotion.
Anger, like every other emotion, requires expression (in a healthy way, of course).
None of us have to put up with mistreatment.
If you happen to have a partner who’s go-to emotion is anger, I want you to know, I’ve been there. My boyfriend for the better part of my university career lived with so very much of it, and it was incredibly taxing on my heart. My hope is that what I share can shed light and clarity on how to approach this, with your well-being at the centre of it all. So here we go:
You don’t need to save this person from their anger. It’s not your job nor are they likely to receive it well.
Trying to save anyone is always dis-empowering for both of you.
The best way to help someone shift out of the emotional state of anger is to see them as whole, capable, and resourceful. Not to see them as broken, misguided, or needing to be saved.
Rather, you can hold the vision of them in your mind and heart of being able to deal with their emotions, knowing they are not broken. Hold for them the truth that there is a way out.
If their anger is being directed at you, this is not a place for you to stay. This doesn’t mean that you stop loving someone, or completely abandon them, but if their anger is detrimental to your mind, body or spirit, you’re doing both of you a huge disservice by staying. You get wounded from being on the receiving end, and they get wounded by doing it to you.
What this person needs is an outlet. A combination of physical release (there exist healthy ways to do this) and talk therapy - you my dear, cannot be his punching bag.
You cannot force someone to get help. Transformation can only occur when the drive comes from within.
If your partner is on a path to healing, you can work with this. If they aren’t and aren’t willing, you absolutely cannot.
And if there’s only one thing you take away, let it be this:
When you allow yourself to bear the brunt of someone’s anger, you diminish your light and enable them to continue on their negative path. You can love someone and still take care of you. This is the definition of unconditional love: loving yourself enough to do what’s best for you, and holding love for another, independent of how close or far they are to you.
This is a deeply important message! If you know someone who can benefit, please share ❤️
With love,
Diana