Here I was, talking to my absolutely gorgeous client who was trying to figure out how to get her boyfriend to finally propose to her. She’d tried talking gently and sternly, avoiding the subject all together, giving ultimatums and still, no ring on her finger.
She wanted this marriage to happen more than anything. She wanted the confirmation and validation that she wasn’t wasting her time. And she was ready to get to baby making, but not without hearing those wedding bells first. Which I get! When you’ve been with someone a few years, marriage feels like a natural next step.
But here’s the thing, her wanting it so badly was causing a lot of arguments between her and her boyfriend. They were feeding each other’s insecurities. He continued not to propose, and she continued to prove him “right” that a life together would mean a life of fighting.
That’s when I reminded her of something so simple and yet so easily forgotten:
Her goal shouldn’t be marriage. Her goal should be a happy marriage, life and family.
And currently, that wasn’t the projection of this relationship, ring or no ring, marriage or no marriage.
That’s when the light bulb turned on. She hadn’t considered that getting married and having kids wouldn’t ultimately satisfy her. She, like so many of us, had convinced herself that marriage + kids = the holy grail. Which simply isn’t true.
If we don’t cultivate our own abilities to make ourselves happy, we bring our lack of contentment with us wherever we go. The initial high of getting proposed to would only last so long before the anxiety set in about when the wedding will actually happen, when he’ll be ready to finally have kids, and so on and so on.
Plus, who wants to be proposed to, and get married when they’re fighting with the person they’re about to commit their lives to. And let’s not forget, divorces do happen.
I can’t tell you how many clients have said something along the lines of “but I know this couple who so and so, and they eventually got married.” Which I always follow with, “but are they happy?”.
Because even if they seem to be, there’s so very much we don’t know about what happens behind closed doors and in people’s hearts.
So when you find yourself feeling hasty to get married and have kids, remember, the goal isn’t marriage or kids. The goal is happiness. Marriage and kids are simply a bonus.
Peace & love,