The Biggest Relationship Mistake We Make

The Biggest Relationship Mistake We Make

I was being interviewed on a podcast last week and the interviewer asked me, “what do you see go wrong in relationships or when people first start dating?”.

And without even knowing the words that were about to come out of my mouth I said, “using each other as a means to an end.”

I now realize that those words came so naturally to me because I was recently doing that with my husband.

I had been seeing him as the means to helping me get more structured and organized. I had been seeing him as a means to a clean home, a renovated home and a child who is fed, bathed and taken care of.

I’ve been using him as a partner in my narrow “let’s get shit done lens”.

And inside of that, I lost sight of him as a person, an individual, as someone with their own needs – as someone I just want to connect with, totally outside of getting anything done.

After having this incredibly powerful breakthrough, I shifted the way I showed up in our relationship and in turn we very quickly shifted the dynamic in our relationship to one that feels more safe, loving, and filled with possibility.

So how does this apply if you’re single?

If you’ve been lonely and wanting a partner – someone to create a family and life with, when you meet someone who could potentially be a good fit for that role, you quickly see them as a means to your happy ending.

You create all this pressure on the situation and the person. And you stop seeing them clearly: the good, the “bad”, all of it.

Instead of seeing them as a person you can connect with, human to human, for connection’s sake, you see them as the conduit to that thing you’ve been wanting.

Recently for me, that thing has been to feel really settled in our new home. And I was using Jack, who’s doing all the renos with his brother, as a means to that end.

Which means, I’d lost sight of him and (temporarily) weakened our connection.

So yes, one of the most detrimental things that we do in our love lives is see each other as a means to an end.

What I invite you to see instead, is a human; a heart, a mind, a body, a soul.

And all of those parts present these incredibly beautiful playgrounds, to connect, to play, to love. See a person differently, and you’ll see a different person.

Peace & love,


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