How Awareness and Self-Love Saved My Life

How Awareness and Self-Love Saved My Life

I guess there are some things you don’t know about me.

Like the fact that insecurities and body issues were my close companions for the better half of my teenage years. And after dieting and diet pills, I found my real drug of choice at the age of thirteen, bulimia.

If you don’t know, bulimia is when you make yourself purge after eating – and often, after eating too much. It doesn’t get you very far, and it sure ain’t pretty, but I struggled with it for four years.

I tried to stop by using my will power, but the change never lasted long.

Will power wasn’t gonna get me there. I needed something more. Something sustainable, foundational, something higher and greater than “me”.

Step in awareness and self-love.

I don’t know that I was conscious of what I was tapping into, and I do know that I wasn’t using the words awareness and self-love to describe it. But that’s the beauty in this. We don’t always have to know exactly what we’re doing – we just have to let our higher selves guide us there.

And so the journey began.

I started taking better care of myself by being (more) gentle with my so-called faults and weaknesses and by focusing more on hobbies that brought me joy, like writing and singing. I was also eating healthier and less drastically, one way or the other. And I started to accept that I needed to get healthy, not “thin”.

I also started to practice awareness. I slowed down just enough, to become the witness of myself. Noticing what I was doing, thinking or saying that usually led me to that thing I didn’t want to do.

So I started to catch myself on the cusp of that very moment, when I was about to go overboard, knowing full well I had a “solution” for it afterwards. And even for the times where I gave in and went too far, I was aware that I still had a choice.

I had the choice not to purge. I could forgive myself instead.

My journey to recovery came with its trips and falls, but every time I fell I became kinder to myself. And the kinder I became, the better I wanted to treat myself. Which meant, eventually, no more bulimia.

The more I loved myself, the more I grasped at a deeper level, how much I really had to give in this world. And I was going to need my body on board to do it.

My spirit chose this beautiful body for this life, and with awareness and self-love I will honour that choice.

Peace, awareness and self-love,

Diana

2 comments

  1. Beautiful Diana! I also battled immensely with body issues and a bout of Bulimia. I thought at the time it was one of the most disgusting things I did to myself. Now looking back on the hypercritical borage of self-hate I would use like a surgeons knife to cleave off my many unwanted parts was much worse. I am so happy for you to have journeyed so deeply into your personal under-world to now reach out and give loving compassion and guidance to the many. It just shows that no matter what our past is like or what we think our mistakes were we will always be the highly valued interconnect children of this universe. It would have been a great loss to have your exceptional spirit permanently dimmed by this. You are one of the most beautiful women I know, inside and out. Bravo and thank you for sharing! May the girls of the future absorb these lessons of self-love and journey futher than we could fathom unfettered by such follies ?

    Reply
    1. Dear Andi, Thank you for your words, your love, and your light. Our struggles are quite Universal, but so is our love. I hope that you have found your way through the barrage of negative self-talk that so many of us inflict upon ourselves. While we all undoubtedly go there sometimes, it's messages like the one you left here that help lift the veil. We are eternally forgiven and eternally loved, and let's face it - pretty freaking awesome! Much love to you x

      Reply

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